(no subject)

- Soo today was eventful. The two days before, I was feeling straight up suicidal. I really was, although I'll never actually do it... not while my family is alive. [Chronic / clinical] depression is the disease of sadness. The voice of the illness is so strong that I couldn't get out of bed yesterday. I literally DIDN'T give a SHIT. I just died a little in the dark all day. I feel like I need those days, though. I need a day to just lay in bed and FEEL it, get it out. Then be done with it.

- I finally talked to Qais, at a decent length, about how I still love him. He says he's in an open-relationship with Sam and doesn't love me.. just thinks of me fondly and MIGHT be open to seeing me again one day in the future. For some reason that makes me feel better. If just to tell him how I felt after all these years. If they are already in an open relationship though, that's not good. But we'll see. I'm not going to hope, or wait. But him talking to me made me feel like someday, someone will love me again. And it motivates me to take better care of myself. I didn't think I would feel that way. Now I want to draw all the time and eat well and exercise and look sexy?

- I also went to do a pee test [used Derek's], get my blood drawn, and had an ultra sound at the Oregon Reproductive Medicine this morning in preparation to donate eggs. I love ultra sounds. I think they're awesome and I like how they are squishy with gel. It feels awesome to have things like that in your vagina--and not even in a sexual way. I need to take it easy and love myself so my lil' eggy-waags turn out nice 'n crispy.


Okay; before I say anything--I need you to know that this entry is a bit 'TMI' [too much information]. It just occured to me to bring up a list of my turn-ons. Stuff I like. Stuff I find attractive. What I look for in future lovelies. Things that get me out of control and so on.

What I need in a man:

1. Intellect. He has to be articulate, literate, and knowledgeable. More so than most people. This is at number one because it's a MUST.
2. Sensitivity. I love sensitive guys. I think it's cute when they cry during movies; it shows they have a big heart/empathy.
3. Eccentricity. He should be a little weird, maybe in his gestures, tone, what have you. Dressing nice and wearing black is usually preferred. Maybe messy hair. I want my guy to be different.
4. Faces I need to get used to. I know that sounds bad, but every guy I've ever liked/loved--has a face that I don't immediately find attractive. Maybe the second time I see him. But the first time I usually don't think anything of it. I don't like conventionally attractive guys; they're too girly. I don't want someone who has less body hair than I do. Gross.
5. Captivating eyes. If I'm not into his eyes--forget it. His eyes need to be deep.
6. Passion, or a talent. I want someone who has a soft-spot for something. Music, art, gardening, welding, film, science, etc. If he has no passion--fuck that shit.

Turn ons:

1. GLASSES. Oh, glasses. I love glasses on a guy. If he doesn't have them, that's okay. But they're so hott.
2. Being spanked--I love being spanked. I can't stress enough.
3. Teachers--that's a fantasy of mine. Think about it all the time. I love the male teacher/professor role. Only reason why I ever watch Harry Potter; the villains are cool, and Snape is a hott professor. And the weather is nice. And the castle is pretty.
4. Being kissed at the back of my neck--where my tattoo is located. It's a soft-spot, and if you kiss it just right and just enough times--it should turn me on.
5. DIRTY TALK. Why the hell did I almost forget this one? This should be at the top. NOTHING gets me hotter faster than dirty-talk. It drives me NUTS if he does it right. I can't control myself if it's all said the right way.
6. Fair skin. Pale skin is healthy skin.
7. Hands. A man who possesses nice boney hands, long fingers, etc. I love beautiful hands.
8. BRITISH ACCENTS. They are so, so, SO cute.
9. Voice. An irresistable man-voice. Singing in my ear. Whispering in my ear.
10. NERDS. Nerds, nerds, nerds. So sexy. Brains over brawn--everyday.

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Ways Jesus saves:

1. Suggests drawing names this year for Christmas exchange.
2. Dying for your sins.
3. Fastball few batters can touch.
4. Has learned to recognize the first signs of choking.

.:Stendhal Syndrome:.

Stendhal Syndrome
Stendhal syndrome is the name given to a feeling of anxiety -- dizziness, confusion, rapid heartbeat, even hallucinations and fainting -- upon seeing beautiful works of art. The overwhelming sensation can come from the exceptional beauty of one particular piece of art or from the abundance of art in one location. The condition is most widely associated with the art of Florence, Italy, although it has been applied to similar reactions to overwhelming beauty of any type.
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